Today I won the lottery


Except I didn’t, not literally. I haven’t even bought a ticket since I was 16. But today I felt the way people look when they win thousands of pounds or a record contract on TV. The way Ellen Page and Michael Cera look when they kiss at the end of Juno. You know, life changing moments.

Except it wasn’t life changing, at all. I was just standing outside, hanging out the washing, looking up at a full cherry blossom tree and hearing a blackbird in it sing. And I felt happy. I felt like the happinness would overflow and run out of the top of my head, for no reason other than for existing.

When I feel happy, it really does feel like that. And when I feel miserable, I feel it just as intensely. I don’t particularly want to describe that, so you’ll have to take my word for it. And misery can equally be for no obvious reason at all.

When I feel one way, I can’t imagine feeling it’s opposite ever again. But today I looked up at pink flowers green leaves and a blue sky from a small garden and thought: if only I could bottle this, and take it with me for when I need it. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, bottle happinness in a blog post for whoever needs it, including my future self. Even as I’m writing this I feel it won’t work. But I’m going to try, because I want there to be some kind of record that today, I felt good about life, and myself. And that was an incredible lottery to win.


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